Hogwarts, The Matchmaker
by MandyJane
Summary: Series of small stories about how Hogwarts helps students' romances! Fluffy, rated T for sporadic swearing :
1. Chapter 1

**A/N - Heey everyone :) I commented on one of birchermuesli's story last week about Hogwarts helping student's romances, and this is what has ensued from my crazy thoughts! At this point, there's going to be five stories included on the same theme, all about different couples at different times, and depending on the reaction I get I may continue it…so I hope you enjoy this! Please leave a review or private message me to tell me what you think!**

The Helpful Portrait

"HARRY! GINNY? WHERE DID YOU GO? IF YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING THAT ISN'T ON MY LIST THEN THERE WILL BE TROUBLE." Ron roared down the empty corridor, running after his best friend and his sister. Further on, they broke apart from each other and their eyes met, horrified.

"We've got to lose him" Ginny shrieked as they sprinted away from Ron's shouts, down the ever-changing staircases "else we'll never get a decent snog. Bloody list!"

"Hey!" one of the portraits, of a young girl in an overly fussy white dress, called them over "hide in here!" Her picture swung forward, revealing an alcove, and Harry and Ginny tumbled in, gasping for breath. It was reasonably cramped, but they had no problem with that.

"Now, I wonder what we could do in such a small space while we're waiting for Ron to get bored?" Harry asked mock-quizzically

"I suppose we could always snog" Ginny suggested, a wicked little smile on her face as her eyes snaked up around Harry's neck. He pulled her a little closer (which was difficult given how close they already were), but before anything could happen they heard the voice of a certain over-protective brother outside their portrait.

"…saw you do the EXACT same thing for Dean and Parvati yesterday! There's nowhere else here for them to hide!"

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about" was the muffled reply.

"Well, swing open and prove it then" Ron ordered.

"I most certainly will not!"

"Aha!" he sounded quite triumphant now. Harry and Ginny carried on staying as still as possible "So they ARE there? Right, how can I get the stupid thing to open" he added to himself

"Hey!" The portrait responded indignantly. Suddenly, Harry jumped: smoothing poked him in the back and he wriggled around to face the other way. The stones were sliding around against each other silently, rearranging to form an opening into the corridor behind them. Harry and Ginny grinned at each other, and clambered down quietly, leaving Ron arguing with the portrait. The stones melted back into place behind them, and they took off at a run again, this time towards Gryffindor Tower, dragging each other along by their hands. They arrived back breathless, collapsing on the old sofa, and immediately set about looking as if they had never left. A few minutes later a disgruntled Ron stormed through the entrance, muttering mutinously.

"I couldn't find them anywhere!" he announced to the room "But I'm close. One more night and…" He trailed off when he saw them comfortably seated on the sofa, working and reading, and his expression quickly changed from anger to utter astonishment. "But…you were…portrait…stairs…what?"

"Mate, what are you on about?" Harry asked patiently, slinging his arm around Ginny's shoulders "We've been here all evening!"

"Yep, this whole time" Ginny agreed, but then her eyes narrowed and she stared accusingly at her brother "Were you looking for us? It's fine Ron, really. If you and Hermione want a place to snog we can give you a list of the best ones" She smiled sweetly as Ron's ears grew red and he started to splutter "But we'll need to work out a rota. Can't have you walking in on us now, can we?"

Ron stormed up the boy's staircase as Harry doubled over laughing at him, and Hermione looked on disapprovingly from her armchair.

"You've got to stop doing that, Gin" she remarked "But I would like that list, when you've got a minute."


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N - Halloo again, here's number two! Marlene McKinnon and Sirius, I hope you like it!**

The Passageway of Requirement?

Marlene McKinnon is miserable. Not sad, or unhappy, or 'under-the-weather': miserable. She feels like the entire world, or at least the population of Hogwarts, is conspiring to make her life hellish today. For example, she got up this morning dreaming of breakfast: waffles, with bacon. A weird combination, perhaps, but Marlene loves it. Yet when she got to the Great Hall, _there were no waffles left. _None, not one solitary, lonely waffle. Instead, she found the empty waffle dish sitting in front of an infuriatingly smug Sirius Black, shovelling a last mouthful of delicious, golden waffle into his stupid mouth. But that was only the beginning! On the way to her first lesson, her bag split open and her books went everywhere! And who was _kind _and _generous _(a fact which he emphasised greatly during the process) to help her pick it all up? Black! And he 'helped' by spreading her books even farther afield, and actually _stealing _her Charms book, so that she was late to Ancient Runes, so she got a detention, to be served that evening.

Guess who the only other person in detention was? That's right: Black. And he spilt brass polish _all over her robes. _So while walking back to the Gryffindor common room (the long way, to avoid more Sirius-caused-accidents) Marlene was feeling incredibly sorry for herself. It didn't help that she had discovered the night before that there was a small, _very _small, chance that she might possibly, in some way, shape or form, find Sirius Black to be bloody irresistible. Nope, that just made her more miserable, because he's clearly an idiot. For the past few weeks he'd been just stupid, as far as she could tell: stammering, making stupid, innuendo ridden jokes, snogging his bimbos actually _on _the dining table (no matter how many times Lily complained loudly about hygiene. Not that she could talk: she and James were quite sickening sometimes). There's another thing that Marlene was pitying herself for: out of their little trio of herself, Lily and Dorcas Meadowes, she was the only one without a boyfriend. And it's seventh year! Clearly she is destined to live alone with only Blast-Ended Skrewts for company, in a rickety house by the edge of civilisation. Children will run past her house! Owls will drop letters at the end of the garden path!

Suddenly, Marlene stopped. She'd been so busy revelling in her miserableness that she hadn't been watching where she was going, and now she was at a dead end. So, of course, she turned around and was about to retrace her steps, but when she did she found there was a wall behind her as well! She was, somehow, in a room with no doors. None. Less doors than there were waffles at breakfast this morning. But, all was not lost! There was a tapestry (that had definitely not been there before…) on the wall, and when she drew it back in revealed a narrow passageway. Marlene shrugged and followed it along: as long as she was in Hogwarts there wasn't an awful lot that could go wrong. The passageway was windy, but Marlene could have sworn that she actually saw it moving further ahead, as if it couldn't decide which route to take. After a lot of climbing, she heard voices up ahead.

"…such a bloody idiot. I mean, the girl has no clue because I've been acting like a muggle all year" Sirius moaned, and Marlene froze. I she was going to have to listen about Sirius' infatuation for someone else then she'd rather be stuck, but the passageway behind her had sealed up.

"Ruddy building" she muttered "you'd think they'd try to keep it consistent" and she went closer, to where there was a little peephole into a room. She could only see a tiny chink, but she caught sight of Sirius sitting on a red surface with his head in his hands, before someone's back blocked her view.

"I don't know mate" James Potter replied "She's a clever girl, and Lily says she talks about you all the time. Though that's like a conversation with you yourself so I don't know if it will help"

"Probably just to say what a prick I am" Sirius groaned again, and Marlene heard the creak of bedsprings as he fell back "Seriously mate, how am I going to tell her? We've known each other for forever! I'm like a brother to her"

"If you're 'like a brother to her' then you have a seriously twisted relationship" Remus remarked "she's always staring at you Padfoot. Even at breakfast, and it makes most people sick to watch you eat."

"Maybe she's studying him for a project!" James said excitedly, moving aside so Marlene could see Sirius "For Potions maybe? 'The effect of civilisation on the uncouth wizard'?"

"Sod off" he moaned "It's _Marlene. _She doesn't even take Potions."

Marlene's eyes widened and her mouth fell open. Sh-_she_ was Black's infatuation? Suddenly a door materialised at her side, leading into the room, and she stepped through it. Unfortunately she didn't realise how high up she was, so she sort of fell into the room.

"Merlin!" James jumped aside, staring in horror as she appeared, dusting herself off when she got up. Sirius went white.

"Wha-I mean, how…what?" Marlene stared at him for a second, before she spoke.

"Do you like me?" she blurted out

"Well…how much-"

"'Cos I like you too"

Sirius jumped off his bed and crossed the room in a stride, grabbing her arms and kissing her forcefully.

"We need to talk" she gasped when he released her for a second

"No we don't" he growled back, gesturing for the other boys to leave, which they did (but not without protests"

After a couple of minutes, Marlene agreed with him. Talking was overrated anyway.

EPILOGUE: Sirius and Marlene started going out after that, and gave James and Lily a run for their money as most-perfect-for-each-other-couple in the school version of _Witch Weekly. _When they left Hogwarts, they joined the Order of the Phoenix together to fight Voldemort. Marlene became Harry's godmother, because Sirius told James that he was going to propose. Three weeks before James and Lily were killed, Marlene and Sirius were called away from the night he was going to ask her to marry him by the Order, to fight off the Death Eaters who had attacked Frank and Alice Longbottom. It was a chaotic battle: curse flying through the air, screams of pain and loss. At the end, Sirius went searching for Marlene, frantic with worry. He found her lying in the corner, all her limbs lying at painful angles. Her body was shielding that of a baby boy, Neville Longbottom, who clung to her and cried softly, as if he knew what had happened. Sirius buried her without magic, on a hill near her house in Scotland. He went back every year on the anniversary of her death, until he was sent to Azkaban on suspicion of betraying his best friends. The thought of her kept him sane all through that ordeal. But he never worked out how she managed to walk through the stone wall of his dormitory wall.

**Poor Sirius :( I do think that either he or Remus should have an incredibly sad lost love in their background, even if only because I love the idea of it! Feel free to leave a review to ell me what oyu think, or suggest the next couple! M x**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N - Hallo my friends, and WOW I'm updating super fast right now? Crazy! Let's hope it lasts! Here is Ron/Hermione, as so nicely requested by H o r i z o n s :) enjoy!**

'How To Charm Your Witch In Ten Easy Steps'

"Bloody. Stupid. Boy" Hermione growled to herself, punctuating her words with the slams as she threw her books to the table. She was lucky that she was far inside the depths of the library, because otherwise Madam Pince would almost certainly have thrown her out. But as it was, she was alone, and that was one of the reasons she was so angry. _Sweet mother of Merlin, _she thought, _how many hints do I have to drop? How many times do I have to ask him if he wants to 'take a walk'? Everyone knows that 'walks' lead directly to broom cupboards! I think he's just too dense for this entire plan. _She sighed quietly, sitting down in the chair and crumpling slightly, as if she was deflating. _Maybe I should just throw myself at him and snog him senseless. It worked for Ginny, after all. But first, I need to do my Potions essay. I doubt that Professor Snape will accept 'romantic upheaval' as a reason for not doing my homework._

Ron Weasley was wandering aimlessly through the corridors, deep in serious thought, which was unusual enough for it to be noteworthy. _Why did she look so upset when she left?_ He wondered, confused. To his credit, he honestly had no idea what had made Hermione so frustrated, even if everyone else did. He was, as previously stated, too dense for that. _You know, _he thought, _maybe, when she was asking me if I wanted to go for a walk, she was talking about a 'walk'? She has been acting strange lately…no, not Hermione. Why would she want to snog me? She's way too good for me. She's already dated an international Quidditch star…and I've gone out with Lavender Brown. I wish she did like me like that though. Maybe I could persuade her that I'd be perfect for her? Nah, she'd never fall for it. She's already perfect herself. I need some help. Harry's no good, too busy snogging…Ginny. AARGH! MENTAL IMAGES! Quick – Hermione. Hermione. Hermione. Hermione walking. Hermione chatting. Hermione smiling. Hermione smiling at me. Hermione…snogging me? I definitely need help. Maybe the library has a book on how to make witches like you…I'll go and check. Can't do any harm._

He made his way through the grey stone corridors to the library, and pushed open the tall wooden door, which swung slowly but silently. It was the only door in Hogwarts that wasn't predisposed to creak – it suspected that if it did then Madam Pince would chop it off it's hinges. Ron walked over the wooden floor, his feet muffled by a silenceing charm.

"Hi" he cleared his throat nosily and she glared at him from behind her razor-edged glasses. Madam Pince was not to be taken lightly: a small woman, her robes were always dark and impeccably tailored, giving the impression that the edge of her silhouette could cut you. Her skin was white as the parchment of her beloved books, and her eyes were dark and beady, always darting around and looking for people misbehaving in her domain. Ron was terrified of her. "Um, I was wondering" he continued carefully "if you have a section for self-help books? Like…books about how to make people like you?"

She drew herself up straighter, even though she already had the appearance of having a broomstick glued to her spine, and frowned at him, her thin black brows crumpling together. "Weasley" she hissed "It's always the Weasleys that makes the trouble. Oh, you come in here with your clumpy feet and your loud hair and your thick fingers that fold pages and make them greasy and then you ask me for a SELF-HELP BOOK?" Her voice rose slowly from an intangible hiss to a shriek that was somehow no louder than a whisper. Ron backed away slowly.

"Wow. Um, sorry…I'll just go and look myself then. Right." He walked carefully to the rows and rows of shelves, glancing back nervously.

"Don't touch anything!" She whisper-shouted after him, and he picked up the pace a little, browsing through the maze of shelves as fast as he could to get out of the library!

_Why is nothing organised in here? _Ron thought, frustrated after several minutes of fruitless searching. _They should have a machine that brings you a list of books you might need, and tells you where they are, to make it easier. The-ow!_

Suddenly a book flew off the shelf and hit him on the side of the head – hard! He looked down at it, confused. It was dark blue, and covered in velvet so that it felt soft. A small book, the faded gold title read 'How to Charm Your Witch in Ten Easy Steps'. Ron looked around furtively, and, hiding the book under his robes, he hurried out of the library and up to his dorm, which was mercifully empty. Drawing the curtains on his bed, he settled down and began to read.

**Dear Reader  
>First, the writers of this tome would like to thank you for choosing it over the numerous other options you have – we are very grateful! And secondly, young man (or woman), let's get down to business. This slender volume is going to change your life. On the next page you will find the ten steps that will charm any witch, old or young. The rest of the book is dedicated to what <strong>_**not **_**to do, which will hopefully help you in some way as well. Please, proceed, and we wish you the best of luck!**

**X**

**Step One: Compliment Her  
>All witches love to be complimented. It doesn't matter how small the remark is (for example, saying 'that colour really suits you' will have a wonderful effect) as long as it is believable, and she does not feel as if you are mocking her. Saying 'You are a goddess among woman and I worship the blessed ground you walk on' is more likely to get you slapped than anything else.<strong>

**Step Two: Ask Questions  
>And we don't mean scary, overly personal questions that pertain to the colour of her underwear. No, simply asking 'What did you do today?' or 'So, what made you interested in …..' will do wonders to start a relationship.<strong>

**Step Three: Be Chivalrous  
>You know the drill – open doors, let her go through first, offer to pour her drinks (but offer first, don't smother the poor girl!). It will win you a lot of admiration from the object of your affections.<strong>

**Step Four: Tell Her You Think About Her  
>But subtly boys, subtly. Blurting out 'I can't stop thinking about you' is going to scare her away. Casually saying 'You know that you mentioned that Weird Sisters song last week? I heard it playing today and it reminded me of you.' is far better.<strong>

**Step Five: Make Her Laugh  
>A sure-fire way to make a girl feel comfortable around you – crack a joke. But please, make sure it is actually funny, and not just an innuendo. Save that for when she already likes you.<strong>

**Step Six: Look Into Her Eyes  
>Make a connection – you don't need a charm to meet her eyes and gaze at them for a little while. It will make her feel like you want to be with her.<strong>

**Step Seven: Find Excuses To Touch Her  
>Hand holding, fingers brushing, putting an arm around her shoulder. It signals affection…and possibly more.<strong>

**Step Eight: Leave Her a Flirtatious Note  
>But make sure she knows it's from you! If you want it to be anonymous, put some clues in it, but this is a great way of getting her attention<strong>

**Step Nine: Make It Special  
>Take her somewhere that you've never been before, do something out of the ordinary. It shows that you care about her enough to be creative.<strong>

**Step Ten: Kiss Her When She Least Expects It  
>But don't embarrass her. In the middle of the workplace or a lesson is not best, but sneaking up on her for a kiss is quite romantic.<strong>

Ron snapped the book shut, his head spinning with the information. _Right, _he decided, _I am going to seduce Hermione Granger. Tonight._

"Hey Hermione" she looked up from her book, startled, as Ron sat down at the table with Harry "You look really nice today, by the way. That hairstyle…um…really suits you." She blushed, pleased, so Ron moved on to step two. "So what did you do today?" She gave him a strange look.

"Well, I had lessons, with you two" she said slowly "And then I did homework. And now I'm at dinner."

"Right, right" he nodded enthusiastically "How was your homework? Fun?" Harry looked at him like he'd grown a second head, but Hermione was quite pleased.

"It was, actually. I had a really interesting assignment from Professor Vector. Thank you for asking, Ronald" She smiled at him, closing her book and reaching for some food.

"Can I pour you some pumpkin juice?" Ron asked politely, brandishing the jug. _Straight out of the book_, he thought, _there's no way she could resist!_

"Um, yes please." She dodged the stream that flew out of the jug when Ron poured a little two enthusiastically, but cleared it up with her wand before he noticed.

"Hey, I saw this orange cat earlier and it made me think of you" he blurted out, paling when he realised….

"That was my cat, Ronald"

"Yes…well..umm..Do you want to hear a joke? How many Hufflepuffs does it take to cast the 'Lumos' charm?"

"I don't know, how many?"

"Only one, but he has to find it first!"

They both looked at him, utterly confused. Ron started to panic, so he moved on to the next step. After a few minutes, Hermione spoke again.

"Ronald" she asked nervously "Why are you staring at my forehead?"

"I'm not!" he exclaimed, his eyes snapping away and roaming the hall nervously. He fidgeted, drumming his fingers on the table. Suddenly, his eyes focussed again on Hermione, and he threw himself across the table and grabbed her hand from her lap, before sitting back on his side calmly, as if nothing had happened.

"Ronald!" Hermione screeched as he dragged her forward a little "What in the name of Merlin's pants are you doing?"

Ron looked at her, his eyes wide and slightly crazy. "Nothing!" he protested, his voice high "I just wanted to hold your hand! Hey, come with me!" he leapt up, dragging his friend along, knocking people over as he sprinted after them. Harry watched, astonished, but decided that it would be better to just ignore them. Also, this way he could finish his meal without Ron sprawling across the table to molest Hermione.

Meanwhile, Ron dragged Hermione up two flights of stairs and into an empty classroom. When they got there, he turned and spoke to her excitedly.

"I've never been here before! It's great to do new things together, isn't it?" Hermione started to back away slowly, but Ron was having none of that. He'd just got to step ten, the one he'd wanted to do all evening. He grabbed Hermione's shoulders and kissed her, and (if we're honest) he was so stunned that she didn't slap him he almost missed it when she started to kiss him back! He borke away, shocked. "Whaaa?" He gaped at her gormlessly.

Hermione rolled her eyes at him. "Yes, Ronald. I like you too, when you're not acting as weirdly as you have tonight. Now, let's get back to what we were doing before…"


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N - It feels like an age since I updated this - and it actually is, as well - but I am back! I've actually had this chapter on paper for a while, I just have been swallowed up by another project and hadn't typed it up, sorry! Anyway, enjoy :)**

The Importance Of A Little Chivalry_  
><em>

_Once upon a time, in a land far away, where mists swirl amongst the mountains like dancing ladies, and trees stretch high into the sky so their leaves kiss the clouds, there lived a beautiful princess. She was the torch in the heart of this land, her brilliant blonde hair making the snow shine as if it were a diamond blanket spread over the frozen earth. Her life was charmed, so that everything she did was wonderful, entrancing, magical, and she had everything a girl should want. But she longed for love, for the handsome prince who cantered into her dreams to ride into reality and sweep her away in a whirl of velvet happiness._

A pebble broke the misty reflection in the lake, and the girl scowled at the ripples as they distorted her face. She tossed the little book of fairy tales away, and it landed open on the damp grass.

"If the prince would get a bloody brain the story would be a lot better" she snapped viciously, standing abruptly and stalking away to the castle, wind snarling her hair.

Meanwhile, the prince was in a dusty room at the heart of the castle, empty but for a battered training dummy. He was shooting a myriad of spells at it, coloured jets rebounding and forcing him to dodge and duck and weave his lean body around them. He moved with a strange, innate grace, incongruous with his dusty clothes and scruffy hair. Eventually, he stopped casting and slumped against the wall, breathing hard.

A filmy figure materialised through the wall and floated over to him, dressed in shimmering armour.

"Why dost thou duel so, young sir?" the knight asked politely, sinking to the floor on a level with Teddy.

"I'm angry" he replied curtly, clearly in no mood for conversation

"If you elaborate, I may be able to assist you" the knight said hopefully, determined to start a conversation.

Teddy sighed deeply, leaning his head back against the wall. The ghost imitated him, and there were a few moments of silence.

"There's this girl I like, and I gave her a birthday present yesterday. I knew she really wanted it, and she really, really liked it when she unwrapped it – and then she kissed me"

"Is this not fortuitous?"

Teddy laughed humourlessly "It would have been, if I hadn't laughed and then walked away. I think she cried."

"Certainly that action would not have endeared you to her"

"And now I don't know how to fix it so as she'll talk to me again"

Silence fell, and the dust in the room settled. A cold winter wind blew in from the high window, stirring it up again, and Teddy watched it flit around in the weak light.

"Might I offer a morsel of advice?" The ghost suggested hesitantly

Victoire was walking stiffly along the corridor – she'd just got a note from Teddy telling her to meet him in the room opposite the prefect's bathroom. She seemed very businesslike, all wrapped in her black robe, still carrying her school books. Her hair was loose though, and part of her was yearning for this to be an elaborate scheme to win her forgiveness, even if the rest of her said that was more unlikely than a week with no rain in December.

But as she opened the door to the little room, her attitude changed along with her expectations.

Teddy had draped the ceiling with royal blue clothes, falling in great swags from above a golden chandelier. The floor was the same wood it had always been, only there was a thick white rug spread over the centre, and on the rug was a pile of blue velvet cushions. There was a fire crackling in the stove on the side, and before that a little table set with all manner of warm, wintery foods. It felt warm, cosy, homely.

And Teddy was standing there with a little blue box, looking sheepish and apologetic and slightly awed that she had come at all.

"Hi" he said awkwardly

Victoire didn't say a thing, just stared at him in astonishment

"It took a while" he added "and I did have a little help, but please don't just run away, Vic, I need to apologise"

"There's more than this?" She asked, astounded, her blue eyes wide

"Well, yeah…listen, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have laughed, but I was nervous, and there were so many people there and I didn't know what to do – I mean, your my best friend, and even though I do like you, a lot actually, I didn't expect you to feel the same, or feel anything, or-"

Victoire crossed to him quickly, discarding her books on the cushions, and clapped a hand across his mouth.

"But you do like me?"

Teddy nodded.

"Well then, Mr Lupin, I don't think we'll have any more problems for a while"

And she did take her hand off Teddy's mouth, but there wasn't any talking for a long time. It's just as well that Hogwarts has ghosts of the past – for where else will boys learn the importance of a little chivalry?

**Please review!**


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